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Blackadder entered the kitchen where Baldric was cleaning potatoes (with his own spit) and prepared a tea tray. Baldric wasn't very bright, but even he knew how to count to two, which was the number of services Blackadder was putting on the tray. "Is his Royal Highness having company then?" he asked.

"Quite." said Blackadder as he poured steaming tea from a well worn kettle into a fancy gilt china teapot. "It seams Mister England's ward, the American Colonies, has been acting rather brash of late, and Mister England believes all the boy needs is to spend some time with another young lay-about, someone with no ambitious ideas to fire up this restless rebellious phase."

"Oh, Prince George would be just perfect, then." said Baldric.

"Exactly." said Blackadder, filling the sugar bowl and creamer as he talked. "Young Master America has no idea how well off he is. George will remind him how nice it is to sit around and be pampered while others do all the work."

"By others," said Baldric. "Do you mean blokes like you and me?"

"History is made." said Blackadder, retrieving biscuits from the oven. "Baldric was actually right for once." Blackadder arranged the matching gilded china tea set on a silver tray and carried it off to the prince's suite.

Inside said royal suite, George and America were complaining to each other about their respective caretakers. "Well, sometimes," George was saying. "You've just got to tell the old man to bugger off! Now, take my father, oh, and you certainly may. The old codger told me just the other day that he was a kangaroo! And I said 'Oh, bollocks, you crusty old fart!' For you see, my father is not a kangaroo at all and it was simply rubbish for him to say otherwise!"

"Yeah, Britain's not that nutty." said America. "But he tells me what to do all the time!" America shook his finger and imitated England's cross and authoritative tone. "Clean your room, eat your vegetables, don't use so much paper, quarter my soldiers, stop importing slaves. And get this! He wants me to pay a huge-ass tax on some tea I didn't even want! I mean, if you're gonna tax me, at least give me a chance to represent!"

"Well, here's what I'd do in your place, America." said George. "I'd chuck the whole lot into the harbor! Take every crate of that bloody tea and just chuck it overboard to show Britain just how you feel!"

America hummed and scratched his chin in thought. "Can I dress like an Indian while I'm doing it?"

"A fancy dress party?" George asked with a smile. "Oh, smashing idea, America!"

"Tea is served." said Blackadder on entering.

"FUCK YOUR TEA!" shouted America, slapping the tray out of Blackadder's hands, causing the crockery to shatter against the floor. "And you tell Britain for me that he can go get fucked as well! Fuck his tea, fuck his Stamp Act, fuck his soldiers, fuck his eyebrows, fuck his shoes, fuck these quote unquote 'biscuits'." America made air quotes. "They're cookies, goddam it!" America emphasized his point by stomping on the biscuits. "A biscuit is those little bready things you call scones! And fuck those things he calls chips! I'm calling them…uh…fries! Cuz they're fried! No…." America grinned evilly. "I'll call them FRENCH fries because I know he hates France so much!" America laughed madly. "Oh, this is great! I'm gonna go tell France what I'm gonna do!" He ran to the door and opened it. "Yo, butler dude!" Blackadder looked up from his attempt to clean the mess to see America flipping the bird. "Tell England to swivel on it!" With a slam of the door, America was gone.

Blackadder stared at Prince George. "You had one job, Your Highness." he said evenly. "One job, and you cocked it up royally."

"Well, I don't do anything any other way!" George said proudly.

"So," sighed Blackadder. "Now what do we do?"

"Well, I can't say England will be dead chuffed when you tell him to swivel on it." said George. "And I think you ought to clean up that sugar and the biscuit crumbs. That's a good way to get ants, you know."

"Yes, I know." said Blackadder, making a mental note to leave a few sugar cubes in George's underwear drawer.

A few days later, Blackadder was dusting in George's boudoir while Baldric did a bit of sweeping. "So America's really gone and done it then?" asked Baldric. "He chucked the tea into the Boston Harbor?" He shook his head. "Gonna make some awful salty tea, that is." He swept up a sugar cube. "Here now, what's this doing on the floor?"

"Oh, that's not supposed to be on the floor." said Blackadder, taking the sugar cube. "It goes in here." He crumbled it up and stuffed it in George's underwear drawer. "Here, antsy antsies." he said in a small voice. "Come get the nice sugar in the Prince's knickers!"

George walked in with a sheaf of papers under his arm. "Well, I've been doing some thinking." he said.

"Oh no, the Apocalypse is upon us." Blackadder deadpanned.

"God I hope not!" said George. "We've enough problems with America doing that…that thing he's doing."

"He's revolting, sir." said Blackadder.

"Yes, I know." said George. "He's also refusing to do anything he's told! I thought this was some silly adolescent phase. Bladder, remember the time I decided I wanted to be independent and ran away from the castle? I didn't stay gone for long, now did I?"

"I'm sure it was the longest five minutes of your father's life, sir." said Blackadder.

"America has been at this revolution thing for some time now." said George. "And I sat down and made a list of things America likes. I think if we give him something he'd quite fancy, maybe he'd forget this whole silly revolution thing."

"Stooping to bribery, then?" asked Blackadder.

"Oh, it works." said George, shifting his notes. "Now, top of the list is 'being a hero.' Oh, I think we should avoid that one. Revolution is the surest way to make heroes. He also likes stars."

"We can't very well give him the stars now." said Blackadder. "Might as well offer him the sun and the moon."

"He once told me," said George. "That he would like very much to have a ship that sails among the stars."

"And how many pints was he in before he came up with that?" asked Blackadder.

"You could give him some cheese." Baldric suggested. "Everyone knows that's what the moon is made of anyway."

"Cheese is on the list." said George. "He'd like a type of cheese named after him."

"American cheese?" Blackadder scoffed. "What's it made of? Buffalo milk?"

"Milk is also on the list." said George. "But he likes his cold."

"Quite mad if you ask me." said Blackadder.

"Maybe if we came up with a way to keep milk very cold for a long time." mused George. "He also likes flavored milk. Strawberries are an old standby, but he also likes flavors made by beans from the southern continent. What were they called? Navilla and ca-ca or some such."

"Vanilla and cocoa, I'm sure His Highness means." said Blackadder.

"Right." said George. "Now, I propose we invent a dessert made with milk and those flavorings. Maybe a very rich cream instead of milk would work better. And of course it would have to be very cold. As cold as ice."

"We could call it ice cream!" suggested Baldric.

"That's the stupidest idea ever!" said Blackadder.

"Too right!" agreed George. "That idea is about as mad as the one about the star ship! Let's think of something more realistic." He went over his notes. "Well, he also likes birds. Maybe we could give him a nice hunting falcon or ask Prussia for one of his canaries. Let's give America a bird!"

"Why not?" said Blackadder. "He gave England the bird as he left."

"Or, better yet," George decided. "We can get him a horse! He likes horses. He told me once he doesn't care much for carriages. He much prefers to get astride of a big beast and ride it for hours at a time."

"Well, who doesn't?" deadpanned Blackadder.

"He also likes guns." said George, looking at his list. "Yes, he was quite cross when Father told Mister England to confiscate his guns. It seems America likes that nice loud banging noise they make. Ah, I have it! I'll send America an army of my finest soldiers and have them fire their guns for him! I'll send them to Boston, where America had his little tea party to show there's no hard feelings. I'll have the soldiers wear their prettiest red coats and ride the finest steeds we can lay hold of! And they'll fire those guns nice and loud! Oh, won't Father be chuffed to hear how I put a stop to this nasty revolution!"
"YOU BLOODY STUPID GIT!" raged King George.

"Really, what were you thinking?" asked England. "Sending armed soldiers to a town full of angry villagers? It was a bloody massacre!"

"That's it!" said King George. "I'm hopping back to Australia!" He posed his hands in front of himself and took some bounding leaps towards the door.

"For the last bloody time, Father!" Prince George shouted after him. "You are not a sodding kangaroo!" The king ignored his son as he hopped through the door. "Oh, don't worry too much about him." said the prince. "He thinks the back garden is Australia."

"Well, what do we do now?" asked England. "My colony is in a state of revolt! Do you know what he's been doing? He's been writing mean things about me in his newspapers! He says that I neglect him and make him pay absurd amounts in taxes and that my eyebrows are ugly!"

"Well, all of that is true, Mister England." Blackadder pointed out.

"But he needn't print it in the papers!" said England. "Can you imagine what it would be like if people could just write whatever rubbish they felt like writing and put it where just anyone could read it? It would lead to utter chaos! No, this has to stop right now! If I give America an inch, he'll take a mile. Next I suppose he'll want women to vote or all people to be treated equally!"

"What a dreadful thought!" gasped George. "Why, could you imagine a world where I'd be seen as no better than Baldric?" George shuddered as he gestured towards the dogsbody. "Not a world I want to live in!"

"What's worst," sighed England. "Is America's been palling with some old farmer by the name of Washington. They go on horsie rides, and play with his hounds, go hunting together and camp under the stars. Things he used to do with me!" England bit his lip to keep from crying. "Last time I spoke with Al- with America- all he could talk about was how great he thought this Washington bloke was! Seems he was invited to a dinner at his estate on Mount Vernon. You know that boy loves food. Can't stop talking about it! What he rhapsodized the most over was the dessert. Washington served him a dish of that fancy iced cream stuff!"

"Iced cream, you say?" asked Baldric.

"Oh, I seem to remember having something like that at Duchess Whatshername's house." said George. "Of course, I was so right plastered I forgot the name of what I was eating! We should've offered him ice cream to start with. Oh, well, spilt milk."

"Or cream as it were." sighed Blackadder.

"What we need," said Baldric. "Is a cunning plan to win Master America back over to our side."

"Well, bribery's out." said England. "That Washington bloke would probably give him anything he asked for. He…he might even give him his own ship! I don't know what I'll do if America gets his own ship!"

"Ah, I know!" said George. "We'll tell America that he simply has no choice but to do as he's told!"

"Oh, smashing idea." England said in a sarcastic tone. "I never thought of doing that myself."

"You like my idea then?" asked George with a smile.

"No, Your Highness." said Blackadder. "That was sarcasm."

"Oh." George said in a disappointed tone. "Well, just hear me out, England. The King is also head of the Church of England, right? And as England, you yourself are part of that church. Just tell America that God has ordained that kings have a divine right to rule. He has to stop the revolt because God said so! America might rebel against a king, but not against God Almighty Himself!"

England hummed and rubbed his chin. "You might very well have something there, Your Highness!" he said. "Yes! That's what I'll do. I'll tell America that rebelling against England is akin to rebelling against God! That will surely convince him to learn his place. I'll go immediately and tell him that."
One afternoon while Blackadder was playing chess with George (and pretending to lose) England limped in. His red military coat was in tatters and his knees spattered in mud, as if he'd been kneeling in it. His hair was even more unkempt than usual and his face was smeared with ash from gunpowder. He was on a crutch and his arm was in a sling. "Did things not go well?" asked George.

England balled up his fist. "No." he decided. "No, I can't strike my boss's son."

"Let me get Baldric for you." said Blackadder. "You can strike him since you can't strike the prince. It's what I do. Baldric!"

"You bellowed?" Baldric asked on entering. England socked him straight in the nose.

"Ah, that does feel a lot better!" said England. "As to Your Highness's question, no, they didn't bloody go well." England groused as he collapsed on the sofa. "Do you want to know what America told me? He doesn't even want to be part of the Church of England anymore!" George gasped in horror. "Get this! He said he wants every individual in his land to choose their own religion! Can you imagine that? A land where Catholics and Protestants live side by side? It's not done for a reason! There'd be complete chaos! I mean, in the scenario America was describing, there might even be a few Jews allowed to live openly in such a society! Worst of all, a few people might decide not to worship God at all! Can you imagine the complete anarchy that would cause? I've found that that Washington bloke America is so taken with rarely attends church at all. He spends his Sundays sleeping late, riding his horse or playing chess depending on the weather and then sits to some fancy dinner."

"Sounds like what I do every day." said George. "Well, don't be too hard on yourself, Iggy. I'm sure you gave as good as you got!"

England smiled wobbily, drawing on all his self-control not to cry. "Er…yes! Yes, I-I certainly gave him what for! Oh, did I give that boy a thrashing! Ha-ha!" England laughed to keep from crying. "I'm not done yet! I'll get him back! Just…just watch! He'll get tired of fighting. Why, I'm sure it'll all be over by Christmas at least! You know how much that boy loves Christmas. He wouldn't dream of attacking me on such a day!" England ran a hand through his hair. "You know what else that boy did just to spite me? He's got that sodding frog, France, helping him fight!"

"Oh! I've a good idea!" said George.

"Oh God, the Prince has an idea." grumbled Blackadder.

"Er, what was that, Blackadder?" asked George.

"Oh, God!" Blackadder cried out gleefully, throwing his arms up to the sky in praise. "Thank you for blessing this wonderful prince with another splendid idea!"

"Well, it's not much." George said with false humility. "But, if America's got another nation helping him, we should get another nation to help us! I think we should ask Prussia for help. I hear his soldiers are some most excellent chaps."

"Isn't this the same chap with the canary?" asked Blackadder.

"Oh yes." said George. "But I'm sure he could easily put America back into his place. It's been said that Prussia is the most awesome nation that ever lived!"

"And just who says that?" asked Blackadder.

"Well, Prussia, mostly." said George. "But then, Prussia's a great and powerful nation that's been around for thousands of years and most likely he will be that way for thousands more. America?" George gave a scoffing laugh. "Just some jumped up little colony who thinks he can be a powerful nation! A thousand years from now, America will just be a bit of farmland that belongs to England. Just as God intended! I promise you, England, you and America will be a happy little family again just in time for Christmas!"
"Ah, the day after Christmas is always a bit sad." sighed George, warming himself by the fire as Blackadder and Baldric took down the decorations from the tree. "The gaiety is over and all the decorations have to be put away, the fancy gifts have lost their novelty and nothing but cold leftover goose to eat for a few days." George fidgeted a bit.

"Well, Your Highness," said Blackadder as he packed a porcelain angel in tissue paper. "The day after Christmas isn't so bad for us servants. There's a reason it's called Boxing Day."

"Why?" asked George, scratching at his hip. "Oh, yes! It's because that's the day servants have to put all the decorations back in their boxes."

"No." Blackadder sighed. "On Boxing Day it is traditional for a master to give his servants a little box with a little something in it."

"Oh. Well, of course I remembered that!" lied the prince. "Er, would the two of you turn around a moment?" Blackadder sighed, but he and Baldric did just that. George snatched up two empty gift boxes that were lying around and grabbed two random items from the supper table to fill them. "Right! There you go lads!" George proudly handed over the gifts. "Happy Boxing Day!"

Baldric gasped in shock as he opened his gift. "Why, it's a turnip!" he gasped. "My very own turnip! Oh, Your Highness, Thank you! How did you know?" He looked ready to weep with joy.

"Well, you did drop a few hints." said George.

"Look, Mr. Blackadder!" Baldric proudly held up the vegetable. "A turnip! And it hardly has any teeth marks at all! Isn't it beautiful?"

"Delightful." Blackadder deadpanned.

"Well, go on." Baldric prompted. "Open your gift."

Blackadder opened the box and pulled out "A saltcellar."

"Well, it's a very lovely saltcellar, Mr. Blackadder." said Baldric. "I believe the Prince has one just like it."

"Yes." Blackadder deadpanned. "Really, Your Highness, you shouldn't have."

"Oh well," laughed George. "You know how generous I can be around Christmas!"

"Yes, I certainly do." said Blackadder, wondering how much he could get for the saltcellar if he hawked it.

"I do wonder how Mr. England is getting on with his colony just now." said George. "I'm sure with Prussia's help he's been able to talk some sense into young Master America. They probably sat down to a nice dinner and exchanged some gifts, putting this whole silly war business behind them. I understand there's this bird in the New World called a turkey that they seem to prefer to goose. And there's this sort of berry that grows in marshes they call a cranberry that they use for sauce. Maybe next year, Mr. England will invite me to dinner over in the colonies. I might quite fancy that."

"Assuming Master America is still a colony next year." said Blackadder.

"Oh, don't be such a pessimist, Bladder!" laughed George even as he scratched his hips and close to his rear. "America is just having a little temper tantrum is all. I'm sure England and Prussia have him under control now." In staggered England and Prussia, both in their military uniforms, both looking worse for the wear. Their clothes were tattered and stained with mud and gunpowder. England had a black eye and Prussia's head was swathed in bandages. "Oh, hello, England, Prussia." said George. "Did you have a merry Christmas?"

"Do we LOOK merry?" snarled England.

"That America is an unawesome prick!" said Prussia. "Do you know what he and that Washington arschloch did? They and a bunch of their soldiers rowed a boat across the Delaware in the dead of night and attacked us while we slept! And on Christmas!"

"Surely you lot could've made up in time for Christmas." said George. "Duchess Whatsherface called me a cad last we met yet she sent me these nice cufflinks for Christmas. Duke Whoeverheis sent me a tea set even nicer than the one America ruined. And Father gave me a rock. He said it was a diamond from the mines of Australia, so it's the thought the counts."

"And look at the beautiful turnip His Highness gave me!" Baldric said proudly.

"A turnip…." gasped England as he and Prussia eyed it hungrily.

"Say, Bladder," said George, fanning himself with a handkerchief. "Think you could dampen the fire a bit? It's getting a bit sweltering in here."

"A fire!" Prussia called joyfully as he and England rushed to the fireplace and rubbed their chapped hands before it.

"I'd invite you chaps to stay for luncheon." said George. "But I'm afraid all I have to offer is some left over goose."

"We'll take it!" said England, rubbing some warmth back into himself.

"Blackadder," said George. "Go in the kitchen and fetch-" George paused and fidgeted, scratching at his hip. "Dear me, I think the cold has forced the ants to build a nest in my underwear drawer of late."

"Ah, yes, it must be the cold." said Blackadder.

"Well, anyway, Bladder," said the prince as he tried to make himself comfortable on the sofa. "Fetch my guests a bit of goose, some bread and maybe scrape together some chestnut dressing if there's any left."

"If you have beer," said Prussia. "I wouldn't say no to a pint!"

"I'd prefer a good shot of whiskey." sighed England.

"I'll see what I can do." said Blackadder. "Come along, Baldric."

"What do you think will happen now, Mr. Blackadder?" asked Baldric as they made their way to the larder.

"Oh, much the same." sighed Blackadder. "His Royal Highness will come up with some mad idea that will just blow up in everyone's faces. Perhaps literally. If they have any wit at all, they'll blame the king. He's so barking mad that it would be easy to pin anything on him."

"Did you know he was yelling at the Christmas tree yesterday?" asked Baldric. "He called it a ruddy tart that was asking for a jolly good shag. Then he started crying and apologizing. I think he tried to kiss the tree, but the needles kept sticking him."

"Oh, I can top that one!" said Blackadder, gathering a serving dish and a carving knife. "He called me 'Auntie Louisa' and tried to kiss me on the cheek."

"You'd think the feel of facial hair would convince him otherwise." said Baldric, opening the larder door.

"On the contrary," said Blackadder, cutting some meat off the goose. "He complimented me on keeping it better trimmed than usual. Then he gave me some weed he must've plucked from the garden and told me it was a poinsettia and I should wear it on my gown at the Christmas ball."

"Oh, and did you?" asked Baldric as he scooped chestnut stuffing on the plates.

"Oh yes." deadpanned Blackadder. "I was just the belle of the ball in my scarlet organdy."

"That would go with a poinsettia." said Baldric, slicing some bread. "Say, Mr. B, do you think Mr. England's really lost Master America for good?"

"Well, even if he has," said Blackadder, tapping some beer from a barrel. "Things won't go so will for the cosseted little brat. As an independent nation, he'll be all on his own, struggling to take care of himself which he can barely do. Without so much as British imports, I'm surprised he's lasted this long. If America doesn't go running back to England, he'll be scooped up by some other powerful nation. He's been palling with France a bit too much of late, for instance. And I hear he has a thing for strapping lads like Master America."

"Oh." said Baldric. "But, what if after all this, France decides he wants to revolt too?"

"Don't be silly, Baldric!" laughed Blackadder. "France is his own independent kingdom. In order to revolt he'd have to rebel against his own government! Why, that would mean deposing his own king! And I ask you, where would a country be without a king?"

"Well," said Baldric. "Suppose, just suppose, all the people got together and picked their own leader? They could all vote on it. Maybe get a new leader every few years or so."

Baldrick laughed at the very idea. "Oh, Baldric, Baldric, Baldric…." he sighed.

"What, what, what?" Baldric responded.

"That simply doesn't work." said Blackadder. "You see how messed up things are when people just vote on a Prime Minister. A random person chosen by the common people to be in charge of everything will run the entire country into the ground in a year or so. It makes much more sense to let the Grace of God and Royal Succession grant us with the leaders we deserve."

"You mean like the crazy coot what talks to trees, thinks he's a kangaroo and calls you Auntie Louisa?"  

"As I said," said Blackadder, taking up the serving tray. "The leaders we deserve." Baldric opened the door to the larder to let Blackadder out. "I wouldn't worry about it too much. It's not like America's going to become a world superpower or anything."
Revolt and Revolution

OK, time to separate fact from fiction.


In 1776, George IV (then only known as Prince George) was only 14 years old. Though, the way he's portrayed in Blackadder the Third there'd be little change other than maybe being a little shorter. George III was not barking mad at the time. Some people say losing the colonies made him go mad, but it was probably a combination of senile dementia, porphyria, depression on the loss of his daughter and dodgy medicines and cosmetics that did it. After all, George III also had a daughter in 1776. You'd think that would cheer him up a little. I borrowed the bit about the kangaroo from Horrible Histories but in his madness, George III did once confuse a tree with the King of Prussia. George III really did have an aunt named Louisa, but if she had facial hair, King Frederick V of Denmark didn't mind as they had four children together. Fun Fact: Hugh Laurie (who portrayed Prince George in Blackadder the Third) had a hand in writing the song "You'll Be Back" from the musical Hamilton.  Lin-Manuel Miranda worked with him on House and told Laurie he wanted a break-up song from George III to his former colony. Laurie came up with the title.…


American protesters really did dress like Mohawk Native Americans at the Boston Tea Party. The Stamp Act forbade the sell of any paper product without a literal seal of approval from the Crown. Forced quartering of soldiers was yet another Intolerable Act. While the slave trade was alive and well, England had cut of any further African  importation at this point. The gesture of the impudent finger has been around since antiquity. A double finger salute was and is preferred in England, but maybe America though England was worth only one finger. And yes, leaving sugar around is a good way to get ants. (I imagine Rowan Atkinson using his Mr. Bean voice to summon the ants.)


After I first wrote the discussion on the possibility of bribing America with ice cream, I came to find out that ice cream did exist at the time. It was a luxury item that only those wealthy enough to own ice houses could make, and then only in small batches after a lengthy process. Washington served it to his dinner guests, so I had him give some to America. He also had numerous horses and dogs that he was fond enough of to give names to. Though a gentleman of wealth and a scholar, he was also a rugged outdoorsman. Despite myths of his extreme piety, Washington rarely attended church.


The Boston Massacre only killed 5 people and injured 6, but it was enough to further enrage a colony on the edge of revolt. It also actually happened before the Boston Tea Party. It was a concern at the time that if America was granted freedom, it would lead to women voting, equal rights for all and people printing whatever material they felt like. (Could you imagine the dystopia that would emerge from such anarchy?) Divine Right of Kings was also brought up as a reason not to revolt. While treason was bad, blaspheme was worse. America remains one of few nations founded in secularism.


Yes, England has mud on his knees because he just came back from the battle depicted by Himaruya where he realized he just couldn't bring himself to shoot America. England did hire mercenaries from Prussia called the Hessians to aid them in the war. Christmas Day, 1776, Washington and his troops crossed the Delaware for a surprise attack against the Hessian forces in Trenton, NJ. Prussia was dissolved by the Allied Control Council in 1947, with America still going strong.


Boxing Day is a real thing in England. Wealthy families would give their servants extra money and sometimes small gifts on this day. Today, postmen, doormen and other service workers can expect a little something extra. (Though most people will be returning gifts they didn't want on this day.) Turkey and cranberries are more commonly served in America than the goose and chestnuts of England. (Very popular at Thanksgiving.)


France did aid America in the Revolution and would soon after start its own revolution, deposing the monarchy and setting up the present day French Republic. American patriots boycotted many British imports, many of them everyday items. This led Americans to become more industrious in attempt to produce their own goods. In a relatively short amount of time, America grew into a self-sustaining nation eventually becoming the world superpower it is today.


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Lili swooped down and grabbed Topaz's tail. She flapped her wings as hard as she could, determined to pull her out. "Get…your...heavy…ass…out!" Lili grunted. She managed to catch Topaz around the waist and flew away. "Topaz! Topaz, wake the Hell up!" Lili shouted, shaking her unresponsive girlfriend. Lili saw the two aircraft coming closer. The jet seemed too fast for her, so she banked towards the chopper and dove her talons into the steel wall. She clawed at the door.

"Can you get that, Yams?" asked Fang from the control panel. "I'm kinda busy flyin' this thing."

"Fang-Baka!" yelled Yama. "Who would knock at the door at 50,000 feet?" Yama looked out the porthole, and right into the glowing eyes of a lioness with an afro.

"LET! ME! IN!" she bellowed, just loud enough to be heard over the engines and through the glass.

"It ain't a Jehova's Witness is it?" asked Fang. "Man, they'll go anywhere!"

"I'll let her in." Yama decided, drawing his sword. "But I'll still be cautious." He cracked the door open. Lili scurried in before anything could be blown out of the chopper. Yama watched with ready sword as she lay Topaz out flat.

"Alright, you listen up, punks!" shouted Lili. "You are landing this tub and I mean now!"

"Any other news flashes, Connie Chung?" asked Fang.

"We are already landing if that's what you want." said Yama.

Lili didn't stay embarrassed for long. "Topaz…." She patted her unresponsive girlfriend's cheeks. "Topaz, wake up damn it!" Lili remembered what Aunt Elisa taught her about CPR and got to work.

"What's going on back there?" Fang asked from the controls.

"She's doing rescue breathing on someone." said Yama.

Fang turned to see. "Whoa! Chick on chick action!"

"Eyes on the controls, baka!" shouted Yama as he went into the first aid supplies.

"Breathe, damn you, breathe!" grunted Lili as she did chest compressions. She blew another puff of air into Topaz's mouth, to find her sputtering as sea water spurting out of Topaz's mouth and nose. Lili turned her over and slapped her back to help her cough up more water. Tears of joy came to Lili's eyes as Topaz shuddered back to life. "God damn it, don't ever do that again!" she sobbed, embracing Topaz. She broke the embrace when Yama offered her a blanket. "Thank you." said Lili, bundling Topaz's damp and shivering body up. "Who are you?"

"I am called Yama." he said. "He is called Baka."

"The name's Fang and you know it!" snapped Fang.

"Fang, huh?" said Lili. "Mama and Daddy warned me about you."

Fang stole a look at her. "Mama and Daddy, huh? Say, you ain't little Elisa Junior by any chance, are you?"

"It's not Junior!" sighed Lili. "She's my aunt, not my mom and we got different middle names. Just call me Lili."

"And where did Razz-Ma-Tazz there come from?" asked Fang. "That ain't one of Claw's kids is she? Heard he had some."

"Her name is Topaz." said Lili. "And yeah, Claw's her father."

"Well, you just park yourself up here in the co-pilot seat, Lili." said Fang. "We'll be hitting sand in less than five minutes." Lili took the seat. "Oh, don't take that girl-on-girl crack I made personally. I don't think Talon would appreciate it if I hinted his little girl was a box muncher."

"Well, funny you should mention that…." said Lili as Yama wondered if the broken clock was right for the second time.
Deana skidded down the earthy incline leading to the cliff with Cobalt in her arms when she saw the chopper headed for the beach. She sped over towards where the helicopter was landing, standing back and shielding Cobalt's face as the blades whipped sand into the air. The door opened to reveal Lili and a gargoyle armed with a katana. "Good!" Deana sighed with relief. "We can finally get out of here!"

"Where's Ivan?" asked Lili.

"He…he was playing to win." said Deana. "I didn't mean for him too, but he went off the cliff. I swear I didn't mean it! I just ducked out of his way and…and…."

"I knew something wasn't right about that boy." Lili said, patting Deana on the shoulder.

"Where-where's Topaz?" Deana asked, trying to pull herself together.

"She was injured." said the gargoyle with the katana. "We have her recovering inside. Ah, let me introduce myself. I am Yama of Ishimura Clan." He bowed to Deana.

"I'm Deana Prendick." she said. "This is Cobalt. He only speaks Spanish."

"I speak Spanish too!" said a winged cat creature as he left the chopper. "Hole ah! Como see llama?" Cobalt hid his face in Deana's shoulder and shivered in fright.

"If you please," said Deana, comfortingly petting Cobalt's hair. "We've had enough of cat creatures for awhile."

"Hey! Cat lives matter!" snapped Fang. "All nine of them!"

"Bring the hatchling inside." Yama. "Your friend is bundled up in a blanket. She was sopping wet when she was brought in."
Mariah felt a bit like the Pied Piper leading a child and a handful of hatchlings out of their fort and towards the woods. Colly was carrying Seraphim on his shoulders. Gwen had offered Tachi a piggy back ride. Dimki still had his gun on his shoulder and was holding Nori's hand. Izumi and Xue took up the rear, bamboo staves at the ready. They gave pause when they realized they would have to pass by the restrained Lon.

"You'll leave me here to die?" growled the wolf mutate.

"Huddle!" called Mariah. The group crowded together. "What do we do? Any ideas?"

"We can't trust him anywhere near a gargoyle!" said Gwen, hefting Tachi to one hip. "Especially not hatchlings."

"It would be dishonorable to leave him to die." said Izumi. "We either take him with us, restrained as a prisoner of course, or we grant him a quick and merciful death."

"The rule of Law and Order states that he must stand trial for his crime." Matrix pointed out.

"Right, then." said Mariah. "Matrix, you restrain his hands, maybe hobble his feet just enough for him to walk. Put a lead on him so we can drag him off. Break!" She clapped her hands. "Right, then." Mariah said to Lon. "Lon, we're making a citizen's arrest."

"You're Australian, I'm American!" Lon snapped. "You haven't got even that much authority!"

"Mum's got connections with Interpol." Mariah pointed out. "I'm sure we can work out something or other." Goin' straight from Pied Piper to Peter and the Wolf. Mariah thought as Matrix formed the bonds.

"Huh." snorted Tachi. "He ain't so tough! I've seen poodles tougher than him!"

Enraged at the hatchling's insult, Lon took advantage of the fact that the bonds now had him on his feet and lunged at Tachi, jaws snapping. Her eyes glowing red, Gwen swiped at Lon's outstretched neck with her talons. His carteroid artery slashed open, Lon bled to death before he hit the ground. Nori screamed and hid her face in Dimki's chest.

"It's alright, Nori!" said Dimki, patting he frightened hatchling. "He can't hurt you."

"He won't hurt anyone ever again." said Xue.

Gwen stared in disbelief at her bloodstained talons. Colly touched her shoulder. "You did what you had to do to protect Tachi." he said. "Not a jury in the world would convict you." Mariah pondered those words for a moment. Could a gargoyle get a fair trial anywhere? Maybe in Ishimura. Then again, the victim (asshole though he was) was a mutate. It may have been considered as nothing more than one animal killing another. She'd think more about it later.

"Let's bag this scene." said Mariah. "Xavier's waitin' for us."
"Non…non!" roared Gavroche, rocking back and forth. "Voice, get out of my head!" He heard the sound of a group of people coming nearer. "They are coming for me. Non! They will not take me! I will go down fighting!" He hid behind a tree and waited. He saw the shadow of one and sprang into action, giving a flying kick to her bared midsection. Mariah went down with a scream. Before Gavroche could get back on his feet, Xue beaned him over the head with her staff and Izumi had him in a judo hold.

Mariah grabbed at her aching, bleeding side as she wobbled to her feet. "Matrix, restrain him." she ordered.

"You are injured, Mariah." Matrix observed.

"I'll live." she gasped. "Damn those talons!"

"Had I been at full capacity, I would have been better able to serve as armor." said Matrix.

"Self recriminations later, mate." she said. As Matrix went to making restraints for Gavroche, Colly removed the plaid over shirt he had been wearing tied around his waist.

"Here." he said, tying it up to staunch Mariah's wound. "The grunge look isn't really for me anyway."

"Cheers, cobber." said Mariah.

"If Seraphim don't mind walking," said Colly. "I could carry you the rest of the way."

"Aw, I don't mind." said the hatchling. "I'm fine. She's hurt."
"That's alright," said Mariah, forcing herself to stand. "I can…OW!" She winced and grabbed her side. "I-I guess I could use a ride." Colly cradled her in his arms and carried her through the woods. "Come on everyone, we’re going home!"
"Vati!" Lazuli cried out cheerfully as she saw the father she never even hoped to see on the moonlit beach.

"Laz-chen!" Kurt responded as they ran towards each other. Kurt scooped his daughter up in an embrace. "Lazuli, libeling, are you alright?"

"Who cares?" laughed Lazuli, laughing while weeping tears of joy at seeing her father alive and well.

"I care!" he said, wiping away her tears. Storm and Lapis soon joined in the family embrace.

Robyn watched the reunion from a distance as she handed Sevarius over to Yama and Fang.  She longed with every fiber of her being to embrace her own daughter. Please, please come soon, Mariah. Robyn thought. Please be safe. Matrix, where is Mariah?"

"She is traveling this way." said Matrix. "She was injured."

"How badly?" asked Robyn. Before Matrix could answer she saw a small group of mostly gargoyles emerge from the woods. As they came closer to the beach, Robyn could see that the biggest of them was carrying an injured young woman in his arms. Robyn ran to him, screaming Mariah's name. Colly quicly helped transport Mariah to her mother's arms. As soon as she had her daughter, Robyn spun and sprinted towards the Redemption II

"Uh, you're welcome." Colly said to the retreating mother who hadn't even taken the time to say anything or even nod an acknowledgment.

"If you can tell us where your desired destination is," said a bald man in a wheelchair. "That could help us decide which transport you should board."

"SKREEEEE!!!!!" The sky lit up as the Phoenix appeared in a burst of flames.

"Thanks." said Gwen, grabbing Colly's hand. "But we have our own ride. Bye everyone!" She and Colly waved good-bye as the Phoenix devoured them in a blinding column of fire.

"You woulda been proud of me Mum." said Mariah.

"Oh, shut your geggie!" said Robyn, taping gauze to Mariah's wounds. "I was already proud of you!"
"I-I couldn't let them have Charley, Mum." said Mariah. "You're always goin' on about how chuffed you are to have a scholar in the family."

"Ah, Mariah lass." sighed Robyn. "I never meant I loved you any less. I was ready to move Heaven and Earth to get you back!" Robyn embraced her daughter, pulling back when her daughter winced in pain. "Oh, sorry, darling. I forgot."

"I'll be fine." Mariah gasped. "Matrix told me. About Da."

"He'll recover quickly when he sees you again." said Robyn. "Oh, Matrix, I suppose this means you can, er, pull yourself together."

"Confirmed, Robyn." Matrix said in stereo. The two smaller Matrixes merged to form the full sized Matrix.

Mariah looked down at the bloodstained flannel. "Should we wash this before giving it back to Colly?" she asked.

"To who?"

"Colly." said Mariah. "The big gargoyle who carried me."

"Oh." Robyn guiltily remembered something. "Oh, I didn't even thank him." She took up the plaid flannel. "I'll go thank him and return his shirt." Mariah left the Redemption II to see everyone gazing up at what appeared to be a dwindling bonfire in the starry sky. "Where's the one called Colly?" she asked.

"The big bird ate him up." Seraphim said solemnly. "And Gwen too."

"We're never seeing 'em again are we?" asked Nori.

"The Phoenix is a good omen among my people." said Xue. "Whether or not we see them again, we can rest easily knowing they found their destiny."

Izumi knelt and put her arms around the hatchlings. "They just went home." she said gently. "And that's what you're about to do."

Robyn looked at the flannel shirt, then up at the fire in the sky. The fire was rapidly dwindling until it was indistinguishable from the surrounding stars. Somehow, she knew that it would be a long time before Colly would get his shirt back.
Natural Selection 20
And here's what you've waited forever for! the final chapter of Natural Selection. I may write an epilogue to tie up what became of everyone. For some of them, it will be a "One year later...." thing, for some it will be a few minutes to some days afterwards. (A few decades in Colly and Gwen's case. Time travel's funny that way.) Can't say when it will be out.
This is Angela
The unfettered
And I'm never handing Broadway over to the likes of you
Because he deserves better
And every part of me is saying "Go get her."
You've raised a big problem that I've gotta fix
Come at me and pull any of your fancy tricks.
Let's go, just me and you.
Let's go, see what I'll do.

Go ahead and try to hit me if you're able.
Can't you see that my relationship is stable?
I can see you hate the way we intermingle.
But I think you're just mad 'cause you're single.

You're not gonna stop what we've made together.
We are gonna stay like this forever.
If you take him away I'll just hold on tighter.
You'll find I'm both a lover and a fighter.
I am here fo-o-o-o-or
Lo-o-o-o-ove fo-o-o-o-or

Let him go!
You will!
You can’t go against me with your mere mortal skill!
Forget it!
Can’t you see I’ve already won?
When you let him go I’ll put an end to your fun!

I mean it!
You pest!
You get ever closer to losing this little contest
With every. Single. Minute passing!
Not to mention the horrendous wounds you're amassing.

I will face your fire.
I will face my fate.
And though you think you can stop me
Truth is you don't even rate.
'Cause I am a gargoyle
And I will not abate.
And I won't let you take this island,
I won't let you take my mate.

Go ahead and try to hit me if you're able.
Can't you see that my relationship is stable.
I know you think I'm nothing but a female spurned
But, Pele, you're the one who's gonna be burned.

But I am even more than a pair of wings.
I am loyalty, truth, among other things.
You'll feel my fury.
He'll have my patience.
I am to give protection.

I am here
Lo-o-o-o-ove fo-o-o-o-or
And it's stronger than you.
Lo-o-o-o-ove fo-o-o-o-or
And it's stronger than you.
Lo-o-o-o-ove fo-o-o-o-or
And it's stronger than you.
Lo-o-o-o-ove lo-o-o-o-ove
Stronger Than Pele
Jumping on the "Stronger than You" parody bandwagon. This is based on a fanfic I wrote called "The Melee With Pele". (I almost called it "Angela vs the Volcano")  I based the story on the legend of Tam Lin with Angela rescuing Broadway from Pele, the Hawaiian volcano goddess. I also parodied the part where Peridot raps in several fancovers.

A link to the original from Steven Universe…

And a fancover by Caleb Hyles. Skip to 1:30 if you just want to hear "Stronger Than You"…
Saki and Yan-Chan have lunch
Another Yandere Simulator scene I made with a manga creator on Rinmaru. I don't know if cannibalism (yes, that's what Ayano is hinting at) will be an option in the final game, but think about it. You can raise your reputation while getting rid of the body! Getting the body to the kitchen to butcher and cook without being caught would be pretty challenging, though. And you probably can't make octopus hotdogs with human body parts. You could probably puree your victim in the woodchipper and put it in food.…

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Things Ensign Vargas is not Allowed to do:

1: Not to use the replicators to make white flags.
2: May not use transporter beam to recreate a certain scene from Spaceballs
3: If I'm going to use the holodeck to create a bathing in pasta fantasy, I should at least take a thorough shower before reporting for duty.
4: I will wear the uniform Starfleet issued me while on duty. I may not wear that frilly maid uniform while on duty.
5: I probably shouldn't wear it off duty either.
6: I will see that I am at least half dressed before leaving my quarters.
7: I may not hold tribble fights in the cargo bay.
8:  Shuttlecrafts do not need to be repainted. Not the way I do it.
9: Lt. Hercules does not want to chase a laser pointer.
10: Shuttlecrafts are not to be used for drag racing or demolition derby.
11: I will wait until designated break times to eat.
12: I will learn how to tie my shoes so that I don't trip over them while running from a mugato and have to call for Smitty to save me again.
13: I am not, have never been and never will be Ambassador Spock. I must stop telling people I'm him when I don't even know how to do the Vulcan salute properly.
14: Ambassador Worf was not amused by my "Klingons near Uranus" joke.
15: Spiking the Captain's Coca-Cola was not funny.
16: I cannot trade dilithium crystals for any of the following: pasta, utensils or ingredients to make pasta, Denebian slime devils, stardust, female Orion sweat, memorabilia from Quark's Bar and Dabbo, locks of Janeway's hair…this list is not exhaustive.
17: Captain Picard is not a Deltan. Stop asking him if he still has an oath of celibacy on record.
18: I will not team up with Lukasiewikz to give Smitty a makeover ever again.
19: I can't use the Force. The Force does not exist.
20: Dr. Bonnefoy's name is not "Dr. Feel Good".
21: Those things on Commander Kirkland's face are eyebrows. They are not out of control tribbles.
22: I will not go to Ligon II, get drunk and pick a fight with one of the leader's wives.
23: I may never again challenge Q to a drinking contest. We almost didn't get the space/time continuum back on track and put the planet Vulcan back in one piece.
24: I cannot commandeer the intercom system and force everyone aboard to listen to my rendition of "Space Oddity".
25: I may not play video games on duty. Not even if I offer to let Smitty be Player 2.
26: Soccer games are to be played on the holodeck, not in engineering.
27: If captured by the Cardassians, I will not blubber inelegantly while telling my captor that there are as many lights as he wants there to be and anything else he wants to know.
28: I will learn the proper way to use a phaser. I won't hold it backwards and nearly shoot myself like last time.
29: Never challenge a Ferengi to a game of Monopoly.
30: Stop asking Admiral Janeway about the time she was a salamander. She really doesn't want to talk about it.
31: I will not attempt to make the ship go at Warp 10. Not even if I promise everyone they will "see some serious shit".
32: Stop asking Klingons why their foreheads look so different from Klingons from the last century. They really do not want to talk about it.
33: No bicycling in the corridors.
34: No unicycling in the corridors.
35: No tricycling, motorcycling, skateboarding, stilt-walking, riding an animal of any kind, pogo sticking or roller skating in the corridors. Just walk like a normal person!
35: No graffiti in the turbolift.
36: When role playing the exploits of the crew of the Kirk Era Enterprise on the holodeck Captain Jones gets dibs on playing Kirk. Lt. Hercules as Kirk? Seriously, what was I thinking?
37: When someone hails me on my communicator I cannot pretend to be a recording.
38: I will not attempt to commune with The Prophets. I will certainly not ask them if they'd like to come over for pizza some time.
39: I cannot blame my actions on being possessed by a parasitic energy being more than once. Claiming it was a Symbiote gone bad is a little far-fetched too.
40: Not allowed to make bathtub wine in my quarters. Kirkland was blind for three days after trying it.
41: The EMH does not want to sing "Dry Bones" with me.
42: May not use the Himaruya Maru to do a barrel roll.
43: I may not use any of the equipment in the engine room to do a sexy pole dance.
44: No siestas in the Jefferies Tubes.
45: A society is deemed ready for first contact after they've discovered Warp drive. Not after they've discovered pasta.
46: Dr. Bonnefoy did not like the duck I gave him. Well, he did after roasting it in an orange sauce with a side of brown rice and mushrooms and a glass of chardonnay, but he didn't appreciate the insinuation it came with.
47: I will not use the zero-G training area to put on a production of Peter Pan.
48: I may not use a bat'leth to cut vegetables.
49: Commander Oxenstierna's son is named Peter, not "Wesley". Stop calling him that.
50: I must not make memes involving pics of my coworkers, especially considering that nearly every time Smitty face palms it's because of something I did.
Things Ensign Vargas is not Allowed to do
For my Hetalia/Star Trek crossover, I had Italy be Ensign Feliciano Vargas. It's highly suspected that Vargas only passed Academy because his grandfather was Captain Augusto Vargas, a hero from the incident at Wolf 359. Some rules had to be written just for Ensign Vargas to keep him in line.

Why would Vargas think he's Spock and Lt. Hercules is Kirk? Little meta joke. Their English cast voice actors are in a fan made series called Star Trek Todd Habercorn usually plays mischievous and/or easily excited characters, so having him play the unflappable Spock is a bit against type for him, but he manages to pull it off. 

 Lukasiewikz is supposed to have a slash through the L, but I can't manage to paste it for some reason and I don't know the proper command or even the word for that letter. The name would be pronounced "wook-a-shye-veech" in Polish. 

Never get into a drinking contest with Q. That's how the reboot films got made.

What happens when an actual astronaut covers "Space Oddity" while in space:…

Can you imagine the EMH singing this?:…

Ah, Star Trek memes. Here's George Takei's top picks:… The last one is funny when you realize it's Picard reciting love poetry for Lwaxana. 

In case you really want to see Feliciano Vargas do a pole dance:…


M. Maxwell
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LE2 Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2016
Of course. Only the biggest baddie ever is adequate as a nemesis for LordyLord. Never mind that he was the biggest, proudest Christian in Germany.
CutestSith Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2016
You'd think he would have gone for Stalin or Mao since those are like the two atheists strawman they use.  But no. He uses Hitler. I think he used some plotline that Hitler was the descendant of Rapunzel or something. I have no idea if Rapunzel even took place in Germany in the Disney movie. 
LE2 Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2016
And he uses a pic of Rapunzel and her babies as a "pro-life" propaganda. Never mind that preventing Hitler would've been a great argument for abortion. Never mind that being a married princess is the optimal excuse to have a baby, opposed to the majority of women who consider abortion. But, props for him remembering the original tale where Rapunzel has twins. They never say where Corona is, but fans like to set it in Germany where the story originated.

BTW, I know you like APH, but do you like Blackadder? I'm about to post a story that's an APH/Blackadder crossover. I did one called "Children" that takes place in series 2 and had Blackadder stuck babysitting a misbehaved chibi America. The new one is called "Revolt and Revolution". It takes place in series 3 of Blackadder and it deals with a now grown America feeling a bit rebellious. It's all very tongue in cheek.
(1 Reply)
Frostbite883 Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2016
Can I ask you a few questions (about the Gargoyles series)?
LE2 Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2016
Well, OK. TV Tropes, Ask Greg and even Wikipedia would probably be better bets, though.……

But, go ahead and ask anyway. Maybe you're trying to sift fannon (even my personal fannon) from cannon. I'd be glad to help you out if I can.
Frostbite883 Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2016
How stone cold (pun intended) do you see Future Tense Lexington as? Do you see him on the level to Iago or Demona? Maybe even on Thailog's level of cold-heartedness?
LE2 Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2016
Hmmm...he was willing to kill his entire clan, something not even Iago or Demona would do. Demona might kill someone from her (former) clan, but she wouldn't like doing it and might make up some B.S. about it being for the greater good if she felt pushed that far. Iago seems indifferent to anyone who isn't Desdemona. Thailog is just a cold-hearted bastard who only cares for himself, though he's capable of pretending otherwise in order to manipulate others. The Lexington in Future Tense is hard to get a read on, but then he wasn't a character so much as a construct slapped together by Puck and loosely based on the Lex Goliath knew. 

Here's a fanfic based on the episode you might like.…
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lisa-im-laerm Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Happy Birthday, my dearBirthday Cake Emoticon: Lollipop Heart 3 Heart 4 IceCream Icon Strawberry Emoticon
LE2 Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2016
Actually, this used to be my husband's channel. His birthday was Friday. (Big 4-oh!) I had one, but it got deleted by DA because I posted some erotic man on man art. They can show furries with plungers up their ass, but mine was just too much. 

Well, I'll pass your good wishes along to him! Thanks!
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