Things Ensign Vargas is not Allowed to do:
1: Not to use the replicators to make white flags.
2: May not use transporter beam to recreate a certain scene from Spaceballs
3: If I'm going to use the holodeck to create a bathing in pasta fantasy, I should at least take a thorough shower before reporting for duty.
4: I will wear the uniform Starfleet issued me while on duty. I may not wear that frilly maid uniform while on duty.
5: I probably shouldn't wear it off duty either.
6: I will see that I am at least half dressed before leaving my quarters.
7: I may not hold tribble fights in the cargo bay.
8: Shuttlecrafts do not need to be repainted. Not the way I do it.
9: Lt. Hercules does not want to chase a laser pointer.
10: Shuttlecrafts are not to be used for drag racing or demolition derby.
11: I will wait until designated break times to eat.
12: I will learn how to tie my shoes so that I don't trip over them while running from a mugato and have to call for Smitty to save me again.
13: I am not, have never been and never will be Ambassador Spock. I must stop telling people I'm him when I don't even know how to do the Vulcan salute properly.
14: Ambassador Worf was not amused by my "Klingons near Uranus" joke.
15: Spiking the Captain's Coca-Cola was not funny.
16: I cannot trade dilithium crystals for any of the following: pasta, utensils or ingredients to make pasta, Denebian slime devils, stardust, female Orion sweat, memorabilia from Quark's Bar and Dabbo, locks of Janeway's hair…this list is not exhaustive.
17: Captain Picard is not a Deltan. Stop asking him if he still has an oath of celibacy on record.
18: I will not team up with Lukasiewikz to give Smitty a makeover ever again.
19: I can't use the Force. The Force does not exist.
20: Dr. Bonnefoy's name is not "Dr. Feel Good".
21: Those things on Commander Kirkland's face are eyebrows. They are not out of control tribbles.
22: I will not go to Ligon II, get drunk and pick a fight with one of the leader's wives.
23: I may never again challenge Q to a drinking contest. We almost didn't get the space/time continuum back on track and put the planet Vulcan back in one piece.
24: I cannot commandeer the intercom system and force everyone aboard to listen to my rendition of "Space Oddity".
25: I may not play video games on duty. Not even if I offer to let Smitty be Player 2.
26: Soccer games are to be played on the holodeck, not in engineering.
27: If captured by the Cardassians, I will not blubber inelegantly while telling my captor that there are as many lights as he wants there to be and anything else he wants to know.
28: I will learn the proper way to use a phaser. I won't hold it backwards and nearly shoot myself like last time.
29: Never challenge a Ferengi to a game of Monopoly.
30: Stop asking Admiral Janeway about the time she was a salamander. She really doesn't want to talk about it.
31: I will not attempt to make the ship go at Warp 10. Not even if I promise everyone they will "see some serious shit".
32: Stop asking Klingons why their foreheads look so different from Klingons from the last century. They really do not want to talk about it.
33: No bicycling in the corridors.
34: No unicycling in the corridors.
35: No tricycling, motorcycling, skateboarding, stilt-walking, riding an animal of any kind, pogo sticking or roller skating in the corridors. Just walk like a normal person!
35: No graffiti in the turbolift.
36: When role playing the exploits of the crew of the Kirk Era Enterprise on the holodeck Captain Jones gets dibs on playing Kirk. Lt. Hercules as Kirk? Seriously, what was I thinking?
37: When someone hails me on my communicator I cannot pretend to be a recording.
38: I will not attempt to commune with The Prophets. I will certainly not ask them if they'd like to come over for pizza some time.
39: I cannot blame my actions on being possessed by a parasitic energy being more than once. Claiming it was a Symbiote gone bad is a little far-fetched too.
40: Not allowed to make bathtub wine in my quarters. Kirkland was blind for three days after trying it.
41: The EMH does not want to sing "Dry Bones" with me.
42: May not use the Himaruya Maru to do a barrel roll.
43: I may not use any of the equipment in the engine room to do a sexy pole dance.
44: No siestas in the Jefferies Tubes.
45: A society is deemed ready for first contact after they've discovered Warp drive. Not after they've discovered pasta.
46: Dr. Bonnefoy did not like the duck I gave him. Well, he did after roasting it in an orange sauce with a side of brown rice and mushrooms and a glass of chardonnay, but he didn't appreciate the insinuation it came with.
47: I will not use the zero-G training area to put on a production of Peter Pan.
48: I may not use a bat'leth to cut vegetables.
49: Commander Oxenstierna's son is named Peter, not "Wesley". Stop calling him that.
50: I must not make memes involving pics of my coworkers, especially considering that nearly every time Smitty face palms it's because of something I did.